The Turdlet That Saved Christmas

A couple of nights before Christmas, my sister-in-law Jill came out of the bathroom demanding to know which one of my brothers had left some poo on the toilet seat.

In true Lamb fashion, everyone hurried in there to check it out. I knew I was the last person to use that bathroom, so I owned up to it immediately. Somehow it was a gross, disgusting find when Jill thought one of the boys had done it, but it became hysterical when we realized that I was the culprit.

We all had a good hearty laugh. I like to think that little turdlet brought our family closer together, just in time for Christmas.



I hope you won't judge me for being an occasionally haphazard wiper.

Times I Have Been Pooped on by Birds

1. I was eighteen years old, sitting on the front porch of the house I grew up in, smoking my first cigar. The situation was strange enough already (why was I smoking a cigar?), but it got stranger still when suddenly a bird pooped on my knee. The poop was white.

2. I was in my mid-twenties, eating lunch with a friend at a Chicago park during our lunch break. I had just bitten into the first half of a delicious sandwich when a bird pooped onto my forehead. The poop got in my hair, on my face, and on both halves of my sandwich. After not moving or responding in any way for a good ten seconds, my friend interrupted my shock and disbelief by suggesting that I go inside and wash the poop off. The poop was green.

3. Probably a year after #2 (hee-hee), still in Chicago, I was walking down the street minding my own business when I felt something wet drop onto my arm. A quick glance up into a tree revealed a ballsy-looking bird just staring back at me like he had every right to poop on me. The poop was clear-ish.

Dirty Birds

In my daily perusal of several design blogs, I’ve noticed a disturbing trend in décor: birds. Birds as the subject of paintings, birds embroidered on throw pillows, birds incorporated in prints for bedding or wallpaper, etc., or worse, birds as knick knacks. Birds are disgusting animals that poop on your car; why would you want to have any representation of them in your home?

I can kind of get behind owls. We all have at least a couple positive memories of owls, like X the Owl from Mr. Rogers’ Make Believe Land, the inquisitive and impatient Mr. Owl researching how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop, and of course, always charming macramé owls.

The only mental association I have with birds involves their filthy poop -- on my car, on my patio furniture, on my front door, even occasionally on me. Birds hate me for some reason, and I am not a big fan of birds.

Tomorrow: Times I Have Been Pooped On By Birds.