Times I Have Been Pooped on by Birds

1. I was eighteen years old, sitting on the front porch of the house I grew up in, smoking my first cigar. The situation was strange enough already (why was I smoking a cigar?), but it got stranger still when suddenly a bird pooped on my knee. The poop was white.

2. I was in my mid-twenties, eating lunch with a friend at a Chicago park during our lunch break. I had just bitten into the first half of a delicious sandwich when a bird pooped onto my forehead. The poop got in my hair, on my face, and on both halves of my sandwich. After not moving or responding in any way for a good ten seconds, my friend interrupted my shock and disbelief by suggesting that I go inside and wash the poop off. The poop was green.

3. Probably a year after #2 (hee-hee), still in Chicago, I was walking down the street minding my own business when I felt something wet drop onto my arm. A quick glance up into a tree revealed a ballsy-looking bird just staring back at me like he had every right to poop on me. The poop was clear-ish.